I had a friend ask me the other day how I coped leaving my babies at the hospital when I was discharged home. It got me thinking about how I coped with them being so far away from me. I was really lucky in that I had two close friends that also had premmie babies so I could ask them lots of questions.
I was also ‘prepared’, well as prepared as I could be, for special care nursery. My doctor told me very early on that I may not be able to carry the boys full term given that I wasn’t that big and my boys were big for their gestation. I was given steroids at 27 weeks and told that if I went into labour before 35 weeks I would have a second dose then.
The whole time I was pregnant I had two goals for how far to get. The first was 30 weeks because that was when I started maternity leave and the second was 32 weeks because that meant I was able to stay in Toowoomba rather than having to go to Brisbane. When I passed 32 weeks I was so excited and relieved, I even thought I might actually make it to 37 weeks. That wasn’t the case and I went into labour when the boys were 33 weeks and 5 days. I had been given a 2nd round of steriods two days prior when my waters broke for Ben.
When I gave birth to the bos I was able to hold them both briefly before they were taken to the special care nursery. That night on my way back to my room I was able to go in and see them. I was so scared to touch them given that they were so small and hocked up to the monitor and had their drips in. Even the second day when they came out of the humidicribs I was still so scared to touch them. I had held newborn babies before but never a baby as small as the boys were. My first hold of the boys since they were born my heart was pounding thinking that I might be hurting them or getting them tangled in all their lines and things. The nurse that handed me Alex was fantastic. She placed him in my arms and made sure I was comfortable before she went and saw someone else. I was less nervous when I held Ben and over the next day my confidence grew and I wasn’t scared to hold them or change their nappies.
On the Saturday after I gave birth I was discharged from hospital. The boys were still on 3 hourly feeds so we only had time to take my things home and get some lunch before we were due back up there to feed them. In saying that it was awful. I have never felt anything like the feeling I had in my stomach walking out of that hospital without my babies. I knew they were not going to be coming home with me but I part of me didn’t actually realise this until I walked out those doors no longer pregnant but not yet a mother. I know I was a mother but leaving them there made me feel like I wasn’t. It was like I was in limbo, no longer pregnant but not really a mother either.
The first few days were the hardest. The first night at home was terrible. We stayed at the hospital until their last feed at about 10pm and then went home. I was expressing every four hours overnight so set my alarm and expressed twice that first night. I had set up the pump in the boy’s room and looking into their cots knowing they were here but not here with me was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Over the next few weeks it definitely got easier. I still hated each night leaving them knowing that it was going to be about 8 hours until I saw them again but I knew they were getting looked after really well. The nursing staff there were just amazing! They always put my mind at ease each night telling me who was on overnight and that they would ring me if anything happened. The boys were great so they didn’t ring me except in the mornings to say they were awake and wanting a feed!
Alex was able to breast feed from about day 4. From day 9 he only needed breastfeeding and didn’t need any top ups. Ben who fed for the first time on day one decided it was going to take a little longer to figure it all out. The week before we went home was the hardest with the feeding. Ben would try to attach but if he didn’t get it straight away then he would get frustrated and scream and scream. It was terrible and I felt like such a failure for not being able to breast feed him properly. Then on the Friday before we went home it all sunk in for him and he fed all day without fuss!
I fed them separately to begin with until I got the hang of breastfeeding in general. After 10 days I think I started twin feeding them. Obviously it would only work if Ben was able to attach to begin with but by the time we went home every feed was a twin feed.
I was really worried that I wouldn’t be able to breast feed them. It was something that I really wanted to do so I did a lot of research prior to having the boys to get me ready and in the right frame of mind. Thankfully my milk started to come in on day 4 and by the time I went home from hospital it was there. I didn’t have enough to begin with for the boys not to require a little bit of formula but it wasn’t long before I had built up a supply in the hospital fridge. I would express with a double pump for 10 minutes after every feed and 10 minutes each side overnight. The first day that there was stuff left in the fridge at the end of the day was super exciting and when I was able to put my first lot in the freezer was even more exciting. I came home from hospital with litres of milk that I have slowly been using over the months. Even now I still express each morning so I can add milk to their cereal.
Ben developed jaundice on day 3 and Alex on day 4 so they each had phototherapy. We were lucky in that the hospital had a blanket that they were able to wrap each of the boys in and it gave them the phototherapy. It was great because we were still able to hold them and I could still try to feed them each feed. Apart from that we were really lucky in that apart from feeding tubes and an IV for the first few days they didn’t need any other medical intervention just fattening up.
The day the doctor told us we could room in was so exciting. We were excited because it meant that my grandparents and Will’s aunt and cousins would be able to meet the boys for the first time. It also meant that the following day we would be taking our boys home for the first time. That night it hospital Ben and Alex decided that they were going to feed every 2 hours, and given it would take me an hour to feed them Will and I were both very sleep deprived the next day! But we were taking our baby boys home after 3 weeks in hospital so we didn’t really care!
The boys were one day short of three weeks when we went home. Taking them out and putting them in the car they were just so very small! It really hit home that day that we had not just one but two beautiful baby boys!
Benjamin and Alexander only a few hours old. Alex looks heaps bigger than Ben, even now Alex is the bigger of the two.
alycetwinmum 